Saturday, June 29, 2013

The road to fertility so many have traveled

This is a long, windy road, that many people before me have traveled.  The road to creating a life.  I am 36 years old.  Just got married almost one year ago.  Not much different than lots of people I know, lots of people I've heard of in this situation  We have been trying to have a child since the month before our wedding.  This month, is month eleven.  Every month feels like "the month".  This month feels no different. 
The first six or eight months was torture.  Who knew that a little bit of blood could create so much anguish.  Every time my cycle came, I would be distraught.  Then I decided to let go a little.  I stopped tracking everything, I stopped taking pregnancy tests one week before my period was due, or at all, some months. 
I found out about seven months ago that I have a "bicornuate uterus".  This seems to be known as a heart-shaped uterus.  One that may have a septum that creates the illusion of two chambers, and one form where there is an actual rigid wall of some degree that creates two chambers.  They are not able to tell me which kind I have or to what degree.  I have no insurance, so I won't be finding out anyime soon.  I've read this uterine shape can make it "difficult" to conceive, or "difficult" to keep the baby if pregnancy occurs, depending on the shape.  I am working hard not to let this affect my potential, as I have also read stories of many who didn't even know they had a bicornuate uterus until AFTER they gave BIRTH to a healthy BABY.  Yay!
This month feels ok.  I haven't lost hope.  No, just gotten more realistic.  It is just as likely that my cycle will come to greet me in two weeks.  I don't get so mad at it anymore.  I am trying to make peace with myself and my body.  After all, I probably had some to do with why my body has been out of whack for some years anyhow. 
I did a cleanse six or so weeks ago.  An ancient Ayurvedic technique, called pancha karma.....eating kitchari for ten days, and doing various "treatments", including daily oil massage.  I felt for the first time in a long time, that I was truly taking care of myself.  Not that I've been horrible.  I have a bit of a sugar addiction, which I've been working on improving for years, with success.  Success meaning at one point 10 years ago I could eat an ice cream cake by myself, now I feel its hard to finish a pint of Ben and Jerry's on my own.  Progress!!!! 
I have cleaned up my diet over the past year.  Slowly, slowly, taking away small amounts of sugar at a time.  Since the cleanse I have been relatively, not strictly, gluten free.  And I have generally been dairy free for a few years, though I cheat whenever there is a good enough reason to justify doing so.
I am also a meditator.  I meditate just about every day, and usually two times per day.  This gives me an opportunity to let go (or at least attempt to...) of my tensions and stress about this issue and any other stressful aspects of my life.  I would say that my life is pretty amazing.  Full of grace.  And this process I am going through is also an aspect of that grace.  I imagine it will be much easier to feel that when I am holding my baby in my arms and writing of my success.  I am trying to enjoy the process. 
Life is about the road, the journey, not so much the destination.  Not to say that I don't still desire this destination, and would really like it to be here sooner than later.  But really, finding peace, finding happiness, finding joy in this process, is what I want this baby to be created from.  Not my fear, not my tension, not my anxiety and stress.  So, baby H, whenever you are ready, we are ready too.  I hope you enjoy your journey too.   

No comments:

Post a Comment